A birth story that went completely different than planned

I've tried to write this post a few times but struggled to find the right words.  Baby blues are legitimate.  I'm thankful the nurses and pediatrician warned me I'd be an emotional nutcase after leaving the hospital.  Raging hormones & sleep deprivation do not lend well to mental stability postpartum.  I heeded their advice but also thought, "it can't be that bad, I'm a fairly stable person."  Ha.  Ego check.  It manifested before we left the hospital but reared its ugliest head the first week post-discharge.  I would break down crying for no particular reason & my knight of a husband spent many moments hugging & reassuring me everything was okay.  Luckily, each day I faced less meltdowns & within 4-5 days of leaving the hospital, I only noticed fleeting sadness.

Coupled with the expected emotional meltdowns, everything felt compounded by the fact our labor & delivery did not go as planned.  Our pregnancy progressed extremely low-risk, healthy, & "easy."  Butterbean was head down by the end of the third trimester & I (wrongly) thought labor & delivery would proceed in a similar manner.  We planned a natural delivery with little to no pain meds, except for the possibility of an epidural.  Hindsight 20/20, I was in denial.  I wouldn't need a C-section.  I was healthy & my pregnancy had been so low-key.  I was so very very wrong.

Wednesday, October 1, I woke at 4:30 a.m., by what I thought to be my incredibly compressed bladder requiring yet another trip to the loo.  Wrong.  I laid down in bed & at 4:40, felt an odd & new cramp in my pelvis.  My sleepy brain snapped awake when I realized that cramp was not a cramp but instead a contraction.  I grabbed my phone & for the next hour, logged my contractions in an app I downloaded the prior week (yes, there's an app for everything).  By 5:30, contractions were every ten minutes & I couldn't contain my excitement.  Like a cat stalking prey, I stared at hubby, willing him to wake up.  He must have felt my eyes drilling holes into his face because he woke up & immediately asked what was going on when he saw the stupid grin on my face.  I'm not one to be that wide awake that early.

I continued logging contractions & we spent the morning distracting ourselves with breakfast, errands, neighborhood walks, anything to pass the time.  By noon, we convinced ourselves the contractions were close enough & strong enough to proceed to the hospital.  Imagine our disappointment when we were told I wasn't dilated & the contractions truly weren't close enough to indicate the start of labor.  *Sigh*  We drove home like deflated balloons.

By evening, contractions were incredibly uncomfortable.  A warm bath offered the most comfort & when we tried to watch a movie, I could barely concentrate & spent every few minutes pacing the room.  We attempted sleep but contractions wouldn't allow me to rest.  By 2 a.m., contractions were so painful & close together, we decided we needed to go to the hospital again.  This time, they found me to be 2 cm dilated & we were admitted.  Hooray!  It was time to have a baby.

For the next four hours, I writhed in pain as each contraction blasted me, stronger & stronger.  Although you're encouraged to move & walk to promote labor, the only truly comfortable spots for me were a warm bath or in bed.  By 6:30 a.m., I was dilated between 5-6 cm & given the green light to receive the epidural.  I struggled internally with the decision & in my sleep-deprived brain, convinced myself I was "giving up."  Tough people don't get epidurals & I'm tough.  But the contractions were so incredibly painful & I was receiving no relief in between (contractions are supposed to peak & subside; at this point, mine were not subsiding).  Looking back, I know the long labor taxed me, mentally & physically.  Deep exhaustion left me indecisive & unsure.  I don't know what I would have done without my better half by my side.

Before shift change - which might delay the anesthesiologist by an hour or more - I selected to receive my epidural.  The epidural went smoothly & within a few minutes, I immediately relaxed.  I continued experiencing pressure during contractions but the pain was gone.  For the first time in over 24 hours, I was able to catch a few winks of sleep.

Within an hour, I woke to commotion in the room.  Hubby explained they noticed Butterbean's heart rate was dropping precipitously low with each contraction.  Her low heart rate indicated stress & the likelihood she was deprived of oxygen during the contractions.  Our midwife was called in & she discussed the concerns - my dilation stalled out at 6 cm, Butterbean's heart rate was too low during contractions (anything below 100 bpm is a red flag; her rate was dropping to 80 bpm), & I was experiencing heavier than normal bloody discharge.  She called in the OB/GYN for consultation & he explained the possibility of C-section.  He gave us time to discuss but did mention if her heart rate dropped that low again, we would be facing an emergency C-section.

I cried.  I was so incredibly exhausted & I thought I failed us & our baby.  Everything was going so horribly wrong.  I didn't want a C-section but the thought something might be wrong with our baby was too much.  In my continuously taxed mind, I determined my decision to receive the epidural was the root cause for the sudden onset of complications.  Hubby knew I was struggling & mentioned my concern to the nurse (he could tell I was not going to say anything).  She immediately reassured me that was not the case.  Within a few minutes, the OB/GYN returned & much to my relief, explained the epidural did not cause the complications.  I'm so grateful to the nurse; I know she sensed my distress & made it a point to tell the OB/GYN so he could talk me off the ledge.

We decided waiting was not an option.  We could not put our baby in that kind of danger & knew the C-section was worth the safety of baby & mama.  Immediately, the room became a flurry of activity as we prepped for surgery.  I was wheeled into the OR & hubby waited in the family room, dressed in scrubs & waiting for a nurse to retrieve him.  My epidural was switched to a spinal block (weird, weird feeling) & once I was ready, they brought hubby into the room to sit with me.

The surgery lasted mere minutes.  I was numb from the chest down (seriously, a weird feeling) but could feel the pulling & tugging as the OB/GYN & midwife quickly excised Butterbean.  We heard her cry & she immediately went to the nurse & pediatrician for a quick evaluation.  Hubby joined them & I watched from the operating table while I was closed up.  The OB/GYN & midwife found the cause of the complications - placental abruption.  After determining she was perfectly healthy, she was brought to my chest to bond for a few minutes.  I was cleaned up, we were wheeled into recovery, & Butterbean was back on my chest to breastfeed.

We survived the C-section & recovery has been better than expected (I attribute that to staying healthy during the pregnancy).  Not to mention, we have an absolutely beautiful, healthy daughter keeping us awake at night brightening our lives every day.